1. Asleep
a rant of purpose and meaning deeper than you can see
I remember the first night I woke up from a horrible coma, and how wonderful it felt. That's a more poetic way of saying, "I remember the first night I kissed a boy, getting my first hickey, and various other fun things", though perhaps the more crude statement is more accurate. I see both as true. My last session at CTY may as well have been my first, and admittedly may as well have been the first time I was alive (a more depressing retrospective view on that would be the first time I got to fall into a dream and escape from life, and now I'm back awake). Now that I think of it, it's rather quite sad, my last session being my first true session, and now my mind is refusing to go back to Marlboro, to what must sadly be considered real life.
* * * * *
When I Think About You I Touch Myself: Discovering My Gayness
Dedicated to Gibi, who wanted to know, and whom I love
This is the story of how I discovered I was gay, because it's one of those things you discover with time! Gibi asked 'bout...quite some time ago. I've neglected this post for some time, and as such am recommencing with quite a different mindset. Oh well.
So, onto gayness. I didn't really have any SEXual thoughts until 7th grade, which was when my hormones kicked in. Oddly enough, from 7th grade onto the late summer headed into early 8th grade, funky hormonal imbalances caused girls to be desirable to me. Of course, I blame the hormones, and hold onto the conviction that I've always been a gay boy. Since I was little, eight or nine, I'd go onto Yahoo.com and search up "hot boys" in images...this was about nine or eight years ago I'm sure, since it was during Bush's presidency and the news was all about the USA PATRIOT Act and I was afraid of the government finding out I'd been looking up hot boys. It was at that early age I first searched up sexually attractive men for no apparent reason, and tried to hide my internet history. Interesting memories.
Sometime after 8th grade started though, my attraction toward girls definitely started to wane. And it was, I distinctly remember, in February of 8th grade that I was absolutely certain of my gayness-- the resolute proof being a crush on the guy I sat next to in English class. He was--and still is--incredibly sexy. So a simple time line I suppose would be: ever since 7th grade, I've had hormones. Ever since 8th grade, I've wanted to suck cock. Ever since 10th grade, I've been able to say I have! And now I'm starting to crave men again...sadly, my bed is quite devoid of male company right now. My sole company is a laptop, and clothes, and the 40th Anniversary Edition of TIME 1969, the year of Woodstock and Stonewall.
That pretty much raps up my discovering gayness. Let's summarize.
Age 8 - 12, searching "hot boys" and other attractive male features on Yahoo
Age 12 - 13, reading manga specifically with attractive men, even though I liked girls
Age 13 - FIRST KISS...with a girl, yuck
Age 13 - 14, FIRST GAY CRUSH
Age 16 - FIRST GAY KISS, and, um, fun
Age 16 and on - desiring hot men to be inside me. Yum.
Actually that's a very bad representation. But oh well. It'll have to do. SO...if you're a hot boy...when I think about you, I'll touch myself.
* * * * *
Here in the dead of night, I reflect upon all my shortcomings, all the misfortunes, and pool them up in a dark well of misery which I confide solely to myself, this blog now, and those unfortunate enough to be caught by me online at this dark hour. It's only at night, when the lights are all out and I'm surrounded by blankets I can obsess over all my insecurities I hide in daytime...I'm very afraid. But, I must sleep for now.
WORK IN PROGRESS.
Posted on 2:48 AM by VICTOR and filed under | 3 Comments »
I remember the first night I woke up from a horrible coma, and how wonderful it felt. That's a more poetic way of saying, "I remember the first night I kissed a boy, getting my first hickey, and various other fun things", though perhaps the more crude statement is more accurate. I see both as true. My last session at CTY may as well have been my first, and admittedly may as well have been the first time I was alive (a more depressing retrospective view on that would be the first time I got to fall into a dream and escape from life, and now I'm back awake). Now that I think of it, it's rather quite sad, my last session being my first true session, and now my mind is refusing to go back to Marlboro, to what must sadly be considered real life.
* * * * *
When I Think About You I Touch Myself: Discovering My Gayness
Dedicated to Gibi, who wanted to know, and whom I love
This is the story of how I discovered I was gay, because it's one of those things you discover with time! Gibi asked 'bout...quite some time ago. I've neglected this post for some time, and as such am recommencing with quite a different mindset. Oh well.
So, onto gayness. I didn't really have any SEXual thoughts until 7th grade, which was when my hormones kicked in. Oddly enough, from 7th grade onto the late summer headed into early 8th grade, funky hormonal imbalances caused girls to be desirable to me. Of course, I blame the hormones, and hold onto the conviction that I've always been a gay boy. Since I was little, eight or nine, I'd go onto Yahoo.com and search up "hot boys" in images...this was about nine or eight years ago I'm sure, since it was during Bush's presidency and the news was all about the USA PATRIOT Act and I was afraid of the government finding out I'd been looking up hot boys. It was at that early age I first searched up sexually attractive men for no apparent reason, and tried to hide my internet history. Interesting memories.
Sometime after 8th grade started though, my attraction toward girls definitely started to wane. And it was, I distinctly remember, in February of 8th grade that I was absolutely certain of my gayness-- the resolute proof being a crush on the guy I sat next to in English class. He was--and still is--incredibly sexy. So a simple time line I suppose would be: ever since 7th grade, I've had hormones. Ever since 8th grade, I've wanted to suck cock. Ever since 10th grade, I've been able to say I have! And now I'm starting to crave men again...sadly, my bed is quite devoid of male company right now. My sole company is a laptop, and clothes, and the 40th Anniversary Edition of TIME 1969, the year of Woodstock and Stonewall.
That pretty much raps up my discovering gayness. Let's summarize.
Age 8 - 12, searching "hot boys" and other attractive male features on Yahoo
Age 12 - 13, reading manga specifically with attractive men, even though I liked girls
Age 13 - FIRST KISS...with a girl, yuck
Age 13 - 14, FIRST GAY CRUSH
Age 16 - FIRST GAY KISS, and, um, fun
Age 16 and on - desiring hot men to be inside me. Yum.
Actually that's a very bad representation. But oh well. It'll have to do. SO...if you're a hot boy...when I think about you, I'll touch myself.
* * * * *
Here in the dead of night, I reflect upon all my shortcomings, all the misfortunes, and pool them up in a dark well of misery which I confide solely to myself, this blog now, and those unfortunate enough to be caught by me online at this dark hour. It's only at night, when the lights are all out and I'm surrounded by blankets I can obsess over all my insecurities I hide in daytime...I'm very afraid. But, I must sleep for now.
WORK IN PROGRESS.